TheSpartanOfAuburn

I was born and raised in Bakersfield, California in the scorching winter of 1980. I spent the formative years of my life playing video games and burying action figures in the mud. Later on, when I was unable to unearth them, I was positive the devil had dragged them down to hell. I am still unconvinced that this is not entirely untrue and to this day I carry around an unnatural fear of open pits and Gumby.  It was sometime around this point in my life that I came to the conclusion that I was gay. Even though I had no idea what that meant for me or my life, I knew I was screwed. Years later, when I came out to my mother, she was convinced I was gay because my dad didn’t take me fishing enough. I suppose she thought that hours spent unhooking old boots and used condoms off my fishing lure would have had the power to turn me.  Needless to say, even after she built that small pond in the backyard and stocked it with, what she called “big tittied Jesus fish”, she finally accepted the truth.

I am a comedian. Watch Comedy Central, I will be there shortly. In the background, reevaluating my life choices.